Thursday, July 30, 2009

Questions Answered, Time, and Starting Over....

I think I am ready to get back into blogging.

I think.

I have had many emails and questions asking me what is going on, and to the best of my abilities I have tried to answer them. However some may have been over looked, because for a while I didn't want to talk to anyone.

I have been on FaceBook and Twitter, and keeping up with close friends, but other than that I just needed time to gather myself, rediscover who I am, and who I want to be.

Raising children with special needs is hard. Although I consider Dakota and Rhett in every way to be an amazing part of our family, it has taken it's toll on us. Especially Andy and I. Since Rhett's incident in 2007 Andy and I have struggled. Really bad. Me, trying to focus all of my time and energy on getting Rhett better so that he can live the very best life possible, and Andy spending all of his time and energy on keeping food on the table and a roof over our heads.

Well Rhett has gotten better. He is doing great. He is in school, he loves to play on his own, and with his siblings, but all of the sudden I didn't know what to do anymore. So I went into a depression.

A depression that took a huge toll on my family and those who love me.

Long story short, Andy and I have not been focusing on us. We have just followed the motions in life and forgotten who each other are, why we are married, and what our goals for the future are. You can't make a marriage work if you are just in it for the kids. A marriage is a partnership and you need to focus on each other so that you CAN be there for the kids.

Does that even make sense?

I don't mean to sound selfish, but I believe it says in the Bible somewhere, that God comes first, then your marriage then the children. I now have seen first hand why that is. Because Andy and I lost focus on each other, we nearly lost each other. A couple of weeks ago our marriage was all but over.

However we have decided that we do love each other and we really want to make this work.

Are things perfect?

No.

Will it take time?

You betchya.

Things don't just change and hearts don't heal overnight.

One thing I do know is this. Andy has been there for me for the last 12 years. He has helped mold me into the person I am. Before I met him I was in an abusive relationship and had no self esteem. He made me strong, and showed me that I am worth something.

He has been an amazing father to our 4 children, and stepped up to take care of Dakota when he wouldn't have had a father otherwise.

The best part of my day is waking up next to Andy each morning and cuddling up next to him at night. Knowing that when he has a nightmare just the touch of my hand will calm him down so he can sleep again.

I love it that even when he is upset with me come bedtime, even if he doesn't want to cuddle, by the time he is asleep his feet have wandered over and wrapped themselves around mine.

I love watching the kids get excited for him to come in the door each night as they jump into his arms yelling "Daddy!"

I love that as soon as those hugs and kisses are done he comes up to me, puts his arms around me and kisses me.

I love the smell of him after he gets out of the shower and is all squeaky clean. Wherever he walks in the apartment he leaves that scent behind.

I love the way he makes people laugh. His laugh is contagious. There have been so many times in the past that we have gone to the movie and he has laughed so hard and loud that even after the funny part is over, people are still cracking up....either that or waiting for us out in the parking lot to beat him up.....(Of course they take one look at him and decide against it.) :D

Finally, I love that he has sacrificed so much for us. It would be so easy to just get up and walk away and I know many men wouldn't be able to handle the stress of it all. But he has been there. He has protected his children, and always listened to me when I need him.

So yeah. Things may not be 100% okay in our lives right now. But they will be.

Love like this just doesn't go away.

15 comments:

My name is Sarah said...

This is Joyce. Pam that was so beautiful. I have tears rolling down my checks. John and I will soon be celebrating our 23rd anniversary and I promise there were years just like you and Andy are having, but it was so worth it to keep pushing through, refocusing on the marriage and redefining what role Sarah had in "us" I wish you an uplifting journey resulting in new found strength and love. The rest will follow. Good luck to all of you.

Shari said...

Pam: I hear you. I have been there. 2004 was our year where we nearly lost each other. I am so happy that you are trying to re-focus. Try to have at least one night of you and Andy time if at all possible. Start dating again even if it's just to the park to hold hands and walk. You need this. It's vital honey! I am praying for you and here if you need anything.

Kevin and Cami said...

Pam, That is so sweet. I hope you start feeling lots better now. And you can continue to focus 100% on your marriage. Your post made me miss Kevin though.

Dawn said...

I'm happy for you Pam and Andy. I wish ya';; the best (can ya tell I'm from the South) Let me know if you need anything. and Give Mr. Rhett a squishy hug for me.

datri said...

I can so relate to this post. I know The Hubs and I need to reconnect. And that's hard since he won't leave Kayla with anyone! We can't even get any romance in since the kids don't ever seem to fall asleep until after 10PM! Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to see you are re-focsuing on each other. I hope things work out. If at all possible, you may want to see someone about your depression (if you aren't already). Even low-levels of depression can have a huge impact on your life and love. Wishing you all the best.

Kelly Zimm said...

Great news, Pam!
It won't ever be easy, but it will be soooo worth it! ;)
Take care!

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

Kudos to BOTH of you for fighting for your marriage Pam!! It's HARD, I know... those days when love is a choice and not a feeling. Keep fighting... your family is SO worth it! I'm proud of both of you! :)

ShaRhonda said...

Pam, I have tears rolling....I have not nearly been through the trials you have, but you have just taught me a lesson.....thank you for this post!

g-ma-vicki said...

What a beautiful entry...marriage is tough enough with a healthy bunch of children under circumsatnces of wealth -but you have pulled it all together and you are still functioning. Go girl! You had a pause, but what a terrific way to start up again. You are in my prayers.Just remember that somewhere between God
and spouse is YOU...take care of yourself. And you know what...you have the right for a screaming day, a depressing day, a tearful day and you have earned it. Looks like you are having a loving, reflective day and it sounds like with Andy you have many more laughing , loving, cuddling, and "other things" days to come!
(I'm becoming such a busy-body momma and g-ma...sorry)Kiss on those kids.

g-ma-vicki said...

What a beautiful entry...marriage is tough enough with a healthy bunch of children under circumsatnces of wealth -but you have pulled it all together and you are still functioning. Go girl! You had a pause, but what a terrific way to start up again. You are in my prayers.Just remember that somewhere between God
and spouse is YOU...take care of yourself. And you know what...you have the right for a screaming day, a depressing day, a tearful day and you have earned it. Looks like you are having a loving, reflective day and it sounds like with Andy you have many more laughing , loving, cuddling, and "other things" days to come!
(I'm becoming such a busy-body momma and g-ma...sorry)Kiss on those kids.

Mrs Wibbs said...

oh, good.....
Phewey...!!
Pam you and Andy are amazing together and a relationship like yours is worth fighting for always.
Get some counselling?
big hugs and so much love to you and the family
xxx

My Three Sons said...

Well life has its ups and downs but if you stay focused on what you want, you will get it.

I'm glad to see that Andy and you are staying strong.

We all missed you so I'm glad to see a post from you.

Naomi Will's mom said...

I can't tell how awesome it is to hear you two are going to work things out!!!! You put things SO well!!! I was in tears! You also made me realize that I need to spend more time with my husband too...thanks for that!! :)

Tommy's mommy said...

Pam glad you are back. Really glad.

It is hard being married under great circumstances but given kiddos with special healthcare needs, whew! I think many of us are walking the same path and our marriages do fall along the side of the road for a bit. Glad your husband (and mind) have been willing to work on things.

Much love, respect and encouragement from me to you! I want to keep seeing your beautiful photography, especially the world around you (not just the kids).

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