Saturday, May 30, 2009

What's Happened To Me?

Do you remember the days when I wouldn't miss a day of blogging unless something was seriously wrong?

Yah, well, that's not the case so much anymore.

My heart just hasn't been into blogging, and I'm not sure why.

I think about a ton of things that are blog worthy in my daily life, funny things the kids say or do, stressful thing that are happening to us, milestones that the kids have hit, stupid things with Andy's job that are making me insane.

All sorts of stuff.

But when I think about sitting down on the computer and actually typing it out, I just dread it.

Blogging for me has been a sort of a release. Something to clear my muddled mind when I can't think straight.

There have been many times when I have had some tough decisions to make regarding Rhett's care, and once I lay it all out on the blog, I have been able to go back and read through it, and the answer is right there staring me in the face.

Blogging has been good.

Which is why I can't figure out why I have no desire to do it much these days.

Maybe it's just a phase, maybe it's something that I am just done with for a while....however I am leaning more towards the phase thing.

It's not really that our lives are any less stressful, I mean, things are super stressful right now. It's just that I haven't felt like sharing all of our financial issues.

I know it's weird, since I have always been brutally honest on my blog.

It's just that I don't want to sound like we are the only people in the world who have the only child with special needs, and who have lost everything they own, because we're not. There are many out there who are struggling.

Ours is just an on going battle that sometimes I wonder if there will ever be relief in sight.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not worried about not being able to handle Rhett's health issues. I know that will always be a part of our lives, and I am prepared to deal with that. But the financial stuff is bound to end, right? Please tell me it will end.

I don't want to be rich. I don't care about toys and vacations and all of those silly things.

I just want to be able to pay rent and utilities and put food on the table for our kids.

Is that too much to ask? Is that too much to get down on my knees and beg for at night?

A steady income, and a little nest egg for emergencies. That's all.

I am trying super hard not to be bitter and angry at God. But I really need this prayer answered.

I can't handle it anymore.

Andy can't handle it anymore.

It's just gone on for so long and we have tried so hard.

We are both just tired and worn out.

I almost want to end this post saying at least things can't get worse, but I think I've learned my lesson in never saying that.

So pretend you never heard that okay?


Heather, Sebi, Janson, and Jack said...

I never heard a thing... ;)
You know you all are held in the palm of God's hand..He knows, and we are all praying. I know it's not easy, but we're in this together! You know you have lots of "friends" to lean on. xoxoox

Jake & Stephanie Ellinger said...

I wish that there was job out there that Andy could get with great insurance. Has he looked into any state jobs? I know the pay isn't great, but the insurance has saved us from a major financial disaster. The state's insurance doesn't have a cap on the max it will pay out either.

We'll keep praying for you guys! How is Rhett liking preschool through the district?

Anonymous said...

What kinds of things can Andy do now with his back problem? Is he limited to certain things? Maybe if you post his skills or the things he can do someone reading will be able to hook him up with a better job with better insurance.

Anonymous said...

Pam, I'm sorry things are not going well for you...hopefully this will be only a setback. Look into your children's beautiful eyes and hold on. The economy has to get on'll be in my prayers.


datri said...

Just wanted to send {{hugs}} wish I could do so much more. Sometimes a bloggy break is a good thing.

momtojesse said...

If you need anything let me know. I'm always here for ya. Hug those sweet kids for me.

Carter Family said...

Pammy Pooh I lubs You...

If you feel like taking a step back from your blog is what you need to do then do it.. If its just a phase we will be here when you get done...

You know you guys can always move to NC!!!!


Eeeeek Jakers is screaming

Lacey said...

This might be a dumb question but do you get SSI for Rhett? You would definitly qualify and even your son with aspergers should qualify, my autistic son did. If not, look into it my friend, it will help a lot.

Mrs. C said...


No words. But I am sorry. I'm a "follower," so when you are ready, I'll be listening.

stephanie said...

Pam, I've stopped by three times today trying to figure out what I wanted to say. I only found you recently and one of the first posts I read was the one when Rhett went to the door with your undies, and then showed his goods from the balcony. Can I tell you I laughed until I cried. I look forward to your posts.You have given me hope.Our financial stories though not the same do have some similarities. We have been fighting tooth and nail to avoid foreclosure on our home for the last two years.Actually tomorrow was our foreclosure date,but,we got it postponed.So I can understand your stress there. Like you I constantly "remind" God, that I don't want to be rich, I just want to be able to sit down and pay the monthly bills without stress.Get the kids what they need, when they need it.The thing that keeps me coming back to your blog is your ability to be happy, to find joy in your family and the good things in life that no one can take away.You have no idea how many times a day you pop into my head.I hope you're just going through a phase, because I would truly miss you.

And... look into that SSI if you don't have it already, Emilia my daughter qualified with no trouble whatsoever.

Niksmom said...

Just sending you hugs and love, my friend.

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