I know, I've been gone for a while. There have been a few reasons, however the biggest reason would be that I would rather be hiding under a great big mossy rock with squiggly bugs than facing the world right now.
There's no reason in particular. I mean, nothing has changed much in our lives, you know, other than moving again, and stuff like that. It's the same stress that's always there waiting to creep up on me as soon as my guard is let down for even a minuscule of a second.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy. I mean, look at all of the amazing things we have in our lives. I'm not angry with God, I am amazingly happy that He has given us all that He has. I have an amazing family filled with an incredible husband and 4 beautiful children. I don't care about the material things we have given up or lost.
I really don't.
The way I have come to look at it, is that once you get material things, you are never satisfied. You always want something just a step up from what you have. When you focus on the spiritual aspects of your life, and the people who are in it, that is where true happiness comes from.
I look at others my age who have a family, or are just starting a family, and I feel so old. Not by age but by life's experiences. I am only 30 years old but I feel like I'm 50. My skin may still look young, (Even too young since I still seem to have acne) but my soul has wrinkles in it. Not bad wrinkles, just wrinkles from all of the hardship that we have been through.
Everytime I go through another surgery, an illness, an accident, another financial crisis I think of it as another age wrinkle in my soul. I wouldn't trade these wrinkles for anything, because as I have said before, I would not be the person I am today without all of the trials I have been through.
It's more like I feel that compared to the majority of people my age, I am like a fish out of water. I don't really want to join the school of fish floating around in front of me, I just want to be a part of that school every once in a while.
My life has changed so much. I think the biggest thing is that I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how much it changed and how quickly it happened.
I'm sure that come spring time when we can actually get out of the house and go places, and get fresh air I will feel better about life. This whole being at home all the time thing is killing me. I don't venture out unless it's to the doctors. Even Chicken Little's school and therapy comes to us.
I'll admit that this winter has been tough. I have really let the house go, and my ambition to get things done has been pretty close to zilch. It doesn't help that Chicken Little likes to cling to me and use my body as his own personal climbing machine either.
I don't know. I am just struggling with the fact that I know I am happy, all things considered, but if I am so happy, why do I feel so down? Is it even possible to be happy and depressed at the same time?
There is so much to do around my house with the packing and the cleaning, and the sorting through stuff to get rid of, I don't even know where to start. My head aches just thinking about it.
I'm sure that with the new day coming tomorrow I will feel better, but tonight I am just sitting here having my pity party for one.
5 days ago