Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Depression 101

I know, I've been gone for a while. There have been a few reasons, however the biggest reason would be that I would rather be hiding under a great big mossy rock with squiggly bugs than facing the world right now.

There's no reason in particular. I mean, nothing has changed much in our lives, you know, other than moving again, and stuff like that. It's the same stress that's always there waiting to creep up on me as soon as my guard is let down for even a minuscule of a second.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy. I mean, look at all of the amazing things we have in our lives. I'm not angry with God, I am amazingly happy that He has given us all that He has. I have an amazing family filled with an incredible husband and 4 beautiful children. I don't care about the material things we have given up or lost.

I really don't.

The way I have come to look at it, is that once you get material things, you are never satisfied. You always want something just a step up from what you have. When you focus on the spiritual aspects of your life, and the people who are in it, that is where true happiness comes from.

I look at others my age who have a family, or are just starting a family, and I feel so old. Not by age but by life's experiences. I am only 30 years old but I feel like I'm 50. My skin may still look young, (Even too young since I still seem to have acne) but my soul has wrinkles in it. Not bad wrinkles, just wrinkles from all of the hardship that we have been through.

Everytime I go through another surgery, an illness, an accident, another financial crisis I think of it as another age wrinkle in my soul. I wouldn't trade these wrinkles for anything, because as I have said before, I would not be the person I am today without all of the trials I have been through.

It's more like I feel that compared to the majority of people my age, I am like a fish out of water. I don't really want to join the school of fish floating around in front of me, I just want to be a part of that school every once in a while.

My life has changed so much. I think the biggest thing is that I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how much it changed and how quickly it happened.

I'm sure that come spring time when we can actually get out of the house and go places, and get fresh air I will feel better about life. This whole being at home all the time thing is killing me. I don't venture out unless it's to the doctors. Even Chicken Little's school and therapy comes to us.

I'll admit that this winter has been tough. I have really let the house go, and my ambition to get things done has been pretty close to zilch. It doesn't help that Chicken Little likes to cling to me and use my body as his own personal climbing machine either.

I don't know. I am just struggling with the fact that I know I am happy, all things considered, but if I am so happy, why do I feel so down? Is it even possible to be happy and depressed at the same time?

There is so much to do around my house with the packing and the cleaning, and the sorting through stuff to get rid of, I don't even know where to start. My head aches just thinking about it.

I'm sure that with the new day coming tomorrow I will feel better, but tonight I am just sitting here having my pity party for one.

14 comments:

Ann said...

Oh Pam I'm right there with you. I can't even pinpoint why I just feel down and out of sorts. God has blessed me with a great family but because I'm in school we don't have time for the things our friends do, they also don't have kids, so I feel very isolated and a little alone. Everyone I go to school with is 7-8 years younger than me and is worried about their next big date and I'm worried about my kids ear infections, asthma and food allergies. I'm praying for ya!

Herrin Family said...

Go outside on a cold morning...if possible...sometimes I just go in our back yard and sit on a frozen lawn chair...and listen, and smell, and breath the clean cold air til my nostrils stick together. Winter sounds so empty, it smells like nothing and if I sit in it long enough, I get to that really deeply quite place within myself. And after enough time... every thought of sorrow, worry, schedule or guilt has frozen and gone silent as the snow.Then I walk back to the house, open the front door and guess what? WARMTH! and HOME SMELLS so much more inviting and profound than when I left to go outside. It just flips a switch in my head and heart and I realize that INSIDE is where I want to be where worry,fear,guilt and time remind us that we have love in our lives. And though it consumes us, it is better than being out in the cold. (sorry for waxing philisophical..its 1:00 am and it seems you and I are having the same kind of day.) Happy tomorrow!

little.birdy said...

I find that if I don't leave the house and drive somewhere, even if it's just to get some gas, once a day then I get really melancholy and lethargic. I can't imagine being home and indoors for such long periods of time. I hope you feel more in the swing of things soon!

Aimee said...

I'm right there with you. I've been so down lately and I'm not sure if it's the weather or something else... and yes, I do think that you can be happy and depressed at the same time. With Kyle not working, its not been the best months we've ever had. Oh and I've got cabin fever something fierce and so ready for spring/summer. I'm like bring on the flip flop weather!

Let me know if you need any help moving. I'd be happy to come and help.

Anonymous said...

(((Huge Hugs)))

T.

rebecca said...

Pam,

I can't tell you how to get over this feeling, but I can share that it's more common than you know. So many times I have heard others share in these feelings, and well, it's comforting to me to know that there are others out there battling depression.

In fact, now that our economy is in a major down turn, and many people who worked at their jobs 10-25 years are now being laid off, even more people are depressed.

Many swear by medication. Although, it's not a route I would go, it may be something to consider.

You have a lot on your plate...it's ok to not be ok. Really it is.

love, love, love....

Carey said...

Hey there, cheer up! I know how you feel. Some days when I have so much to do, I take a nap! I'm not tired, it's just I can't face it all, so when I lay down my lil stinker, I lay down too to try to forget everything. I'm not recommending it actually, b/c it makes everything pile up worse, but just saying, I know what you're going through.

Maybe some cute little farm animals will cheer you up. You should have mail in a day or two!!!

Teddybear said...

My continued prayers going your way Pam. Love Deb

therextras said...

You have a large support group here, and Rebecca is right. I've been reading several bloggers talk about their winter blues.

Here are a couple of bloggers who can relate to you, and have happy endings. Recommend you read the comments, too.

http://birdonthestreet.blogspot.com/2009/01/in-defense-of-housewifery.html

http://micropreemietwins.blogspot.com/

Barbara

Ally in Wonderland said...

Party on! Everyone needs these days every once and awhile. Bake some brownies, sit down with fudge and eat some for all of us!!

I like to think of these days as "soul scrubbing", I cry and feel sorry for myself, then my soul is all clean from the tears. :)

DTanner said...

Sounds like you just need a night out for Pam. Clear your mind and regroup. We should go get our toes done or something. I feel so dumpy frumpy lately. I think I am feeling a bit of depression as well. Maybe a cross between not being able to get pregnant and this dang cold. I would love to sneak away to somewhere warm. Give me a call!

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

Pam,
I'm so sorry. I have those times too when I get in a funk and just can't break free. I'm holding you in my prayers tonight.

Nokepo said...

So sorry to hear how you are feeling. I can definitely relate! Currently dealing with the same thing over here. I need warmer weather!!! Hope you feel better soon!
Lisa

My Three Sons said...

I think we can have a pity party together. I'm feeling the same way. So much has happened in the last week and I just feel like I'm drowning. I hope that WE bounce back quickly.

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