Questions Answered, Time, and Starting Over....

I think I am ready to get back into blogging.

I think.

I have had many emails and questions asking me what is going on, and to the best of my abilities I have tried to answer them. However some may have been over looked, because for a while I didn't want to talk to anyone.

I have been on FaceBook and Twitter, and keeping up with close friends, but other than that I just needed time to gather myself, rediscover who I am, and who I want to be.

Raising children with special needs is hard. Although I consider Dakota and Rhett in every way to be an amazing part of our family, it has taken it's toll on us. Especially Andy and I. Since Rhett's incident in 2007 Andy and I have struggled. Really bad. Me, trying to focus all of my time and energy on getting Rhett better so that he can live the very best life possible, and Andy spending all of his time and energy on keeping food on the table and a roof over our heads.

Well Rhett has gotten better. He is doing great. He is in school, he loves to play on his own, and with his siblings, but all of the sudden I didn't know what to do anymore. So I went into a depression.

A depression that took a huge toll on my family and those who love me.

Long story short, Andy and I have not been focusing on us. We have just followed the motions in life and forgotten who each other are, why we are married, and what our goals for the future are. You can't make a marriage work if you are just in it for the kids. A marriage is a partnership and you need to focus on each other so that you CAN be there for the kids.

Does that even make sense?

I don't mean to sound selfish, but I believe it says in the Bible somewhere, that God comes first, then your marriage then the children. I now have seen first hand why that is. Because Andy and I lost focus on each other, we nearly lost each other. A couple of weeks ago our marriage was all but over.

However we have decided that we do love each other and we really want to make this work.

Are things perfect?

No.

Will it take time?

You betchya.

Things don't just change and hearts don't heal overnight.

One thing I do know is this. Andy has been there for me for the last 12 years. He has helped mold me into the person I am. Before I met him I was in an abusive relationship and had no self esteem. He made me strong, and showed me that I am worth something.

He has been an amazing father to our 4 children, and stepped up to take care of Dakota when he wouldn't have had a father otherwise.

The best part of my day is waking up next to Andy each morning and cuddling up next to him at night. Knowing that when he has a nightmare just the touch of my hand will calm him down so he can sleep again.

I love it that even when he is upset with me come bedtime, even if he doesn't want to cuddle, by the time he is asleep his feet have wandered over and wrapped themselves around mine.

I love watching the kids get excited for him to come in the door each night as they jump into his arms yelling "Daddy!"

I love that as soon as those hugs and kisses are done he comes up to me, puts his arms around me and kisses me.

I love the smell of him after he gets out of the shower and is all squeaky clean. Wherever he walks in the apartment he leaves that scent behind.

I love the way he makes people laugh. His laugh is contagious. There have been so many times in the past that we have gone to the movie and he has laughed so hard and loud that even after the funny part is over, people are still cracking up....either that or waiting for us out in the parking lot to beat him up.....(Of course they take one look at him and decide against it.) :D

Finally, I love that he has sacrificed so much for us. It would be so easy to just get up and walk away and I know many men wouldn't be able to handle the stress of it all. But he has been there. He has protected his children, and always listened to me when I need him.

So yeah. Things may not be 100% okay in our lives right now. But they will be.

Love like this just doesn't go away.